Alive! If You Eat a Staff!

Blog, it’s been too long, all my fault, and I do apologise. I will endeavour to write more regularly. I fear, though, that that pledge might be similar to many moons ago, when we used to advertise that we would ‘endeavour’ to be best price about everything! Such charlatans we were, Blog!!

I have recently enjoyed reading the un-put-downable ‘Alive’, by Piers Paul Read. I really do recommend it highly, as a great read.

Let me tell you more… (without ruining it, I hope)…

A rugby team from Uruguay clubbed together and organised a trip to Chile to take on some neighbouring opposition. The trip, however, involved negotiating the Andes Mountains.

TRAGEDY STRUCK! Yes, it did, Blog, oh yes, it did! And the plane crashed in the mountains!

Just like when the corporate people wrongly discounted us, oh yes they did, Blog! The search was called off, and the team were considered to be dead and gone. This led to the fabulous, but true, tale of their survival and escape that will go down in history as a fine example of ‘not-staffdom’.

A bit like myself and Gaul Wood bringing Star Sports, from being run in the living room of a flat above a betting shop in Goring, to being a multi-million pound company. ‘Alive’ probably isn’t as gruesome as that story will be, when it be told, though Blog.

Anyway, as you may have gathered, from the poor film that was thus produced, the survival involved eating the bodies of those that died in the plane crash. This led me to OBVIOUSLY then consider, if the Star Army were to fall foul in such a tragedy, who would be the best member of staff to eat first.

Blog, I have taken the liberty of producing the following menu, then selection, for your perusal.

David Hadrell: Too thin. Probably eaten too much veggie and organic type food too to make any type of hearty meal. Discard.

Harry Macadam: Again, too thin, and has smoked too many fags to taste any good. Would prove to be nothing more than an entree, once the big eaters get involved.

Gaul Wood: Not that fatty, but has probably got a bit old and mouldy by now. If it got to the point where Gaul was a gonner though, we’d probably all be absolutely buggered anyway, so it wouldn’t really matter who we eat.

Lofty: Has a large outer layer of ‘big-bonedness’ that could prove to be rather good as a sort of pork style crackling, if cooked properly. Through the big ‘four O’ though, so, again, might be a bit tough around the edges.

Chris Ward/Dave Gowers: Possible a bit gristly and could get caught in your teeth. Better options ahead, Blog.

Luke: Not bad. Not bad at tall. Young, not fatty, and of good size. Definitely makes the short-list.

Pam Statements: Never! The crew on the plane in Uruguay put aside, out of sensitivity, some members of the team. Pam really would be a last option.

Bill Esdaile: Here you go, Blog! Now this is the kind of guy you want on the firm if you have a plane crash in the Andes and have to start eating people’s bodies. Bill is young, not fatty, and in good condition. He’s the man! Like a top quality hog-roast, in such circs! If it all goes wrong at Square in the Air, Bill, and we crash in the Andes and you die, don’t fear, we will have found a use for you!

Blog, I am on the way to Tenerife, yet again, for a week of sitting around, and relaxing like a staff. I am fully armed with a mountain of reading material and will forward you some more muses.

Before I sign off, I must take this opportunity to thank Pam Statements’ parents; John and Marilou. They came over, as a surprise, for our Christmas party and, as a thank you, sent me a teddy bear to live in the bedroom in my flat, in which they stayed. How kind! Thank you, John and Mari! I have named him ‘Herman’ and he is making a more than welcome addition to my family.

Over and out, Ben x