AUTHOR: James Dowen

AM’s wedding dilemma

Blog, sorry I haven’t been in touch for a while. I have been getting over
the torture of having ones tonsils removed and this week I have had the
honour of hosting family members of the Spanish Olympic Synchronised
Swimming team (still unaware of the holier-than-thou Star Sports staffs
contribution to helping others during the Olympic games, possible you could
update me on this, blog?). I shall update you on both of these experiences
at a later date, but for now, blog, we have a pressing matter to discuss.

Today is AM’s wedding.

I am an usher.

I am on the train on the way to the wedding.

I am reading a copy of the Daily Mail (obviously).

I have been informed in advance that there are some MILITANT types at the
wedding.

I have been put on their table! Party time!!!

Blog, can I bring my copy of the Daily Mail to the wedding as to infuse a
day of leftie-goading or should I, JUST THIS ONCE, let AM and his crew of
key-workery mates off the hook?

I BLOODY WELL KNOW WHAT I’D LIKE TO DO!!!

AM has placed me on a table with the militants. Was this a wise move by
him? Should he not have known better after all these years? At such
events, I should really be strapped to a moveable guerney and gagged like
Hannibal Lecter as a measure for the greater good.

Things to slip into conversation over lunch and then steadily ram home (like
square pegs into a round hole) during lunch and then top up between the
afternoon’s speeches at AM’s wedding:

1) I intrinsically agree with and deeply believe in EVERYTHING the Daily
Mail writes. At no point offer a caveat like some readers, like ‘they have
a good crossword’ – just say it how it is. Always a great start – has a
sudden hit, similar to the smell of sour milk.

2) ‘I tell you what, don’t you think that teachers these days really do get
a good gig with their huge holidays, better pay than in the generation
before, and endless key-workery benefits? They knew the very fair rules
before they started and I think it’s an absolute piss-take when they go on
strike’. Must be said absolutely dead-pan with straight-on but non
aggressive eye-contact.

3) I came here on a ‘socialist transporter’ today. (Must be said like you
were doing society a favour).

4) Joke to the militants innocently that you are surprised the colour of the
day is not red, instead of purple.

Blog, I’m torturing myself. It’s just all so much to resist. Will update
you later, but in the meantime, I wish AM and his beautiful bride the very
best of luck and love for today and evermore. The Elderly and Infirm have
asked me about six thousand questions about his wonderful wedding’s
preparations and how his perfect bride-to-be is, so I look forward to being
able to answer all of their questions at last!

In other news:

How COOL have the Olympics been? I have just loved EVERY minute of it.
Some REAL role-models for not just the kids but us big kids too! Class acts
like Nicola Adams and Jessica Ennis have brought so much to our lives over
the last few weeks and haven’t felt the need to spit at or head-but each
other once. Surely this is the time the FA should take a few notes out of
the Olympics rule-book and tidy up some of the vile drongs running around
our country’s professional football pitches?

Isn’t Gabby Logan gorgeous? I tune in every evening at ten ‘o clock to
listen to her dulcit tones. Also, unlike her contemporaries on Sky Sports
News, when she goes to work, she doesn’t feel the need to dress herself up
like she’s about to do the Saturday night shift at a Kings Cross ‘vip club’.

Gaul Wood has gone on a sailing trip on a yacht with some middle-class
lefties, crossing the English Channel. He has been incommunicado for three
days and I am worried about his well-being. 

Over and out, b x

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