AUTHOR: Star Sports Content

BEN KEITH’S BLOG: ‘The King of Toffs’

Blog, I write with news of an award I have recently received. The diet has been going well, and I have lost 1/3 of a stone. However, Gaul Wood, Star MD, forced me to take a night off, and go for dinner with him and his lady wife, the other night, at the great Toffs.

I had my usual:

Lemon Sole (grilled, well-done, on the bone, please)
+Chips (double cooked)
+2 Sausages on the side (not battered, thank you)
+Pickled Onions
+Pickled Eggs
= Superb

After the meal, the waiter came over (who is a dead-ringer for Richard Glynn, of Ladbrokes) and started to clear away our plates. As he worked away, Gary asked him who the greatest eater he has ever served is. He looked over to me, checked, and then said ‘I have worked here for thirteen years. I have never seen a customer eat like you and I would love to have your appetite.’. Blog, the man had tears in his eyes, he spoke with such reverence. It was clear he believed he was in the presence of greatness.

I gave him the biggest tip in the history of the restaurant’s opening.

I am surely now crowned the King of Toffs. Surely, Blog?

In other news (as if you need any after that):

Went last night, with Belindabelle, to see ‘Captain Philips’.

Blog; a MUST SEE. Top class entertainment from start to finish, this is the story of a cargo boat, hijacked by some desperado Somalian pirates, who take the captain as hostage.

As they approached the cargo boat, in their small vessel, the innocent whitey crew, on board the target, did all they could, with their wet water cannons, to keep the pirates at bay. Not possible, I’m afraid; these were some real Not-Staffs in action. And they scaled a ladder, with knives across their mouths and guns their backs.

Soon came one of my favourite moments of the film. The baddie pirate leader, stood in front of Tom Hanks (the captain), and said to him ‘Captain, I am now the Captain. Now tell me; where is the money?’. Hanks quickly stammered back that there was $30,000 in the safe, and he was welcome to it. The pirate, dressed in rags, with no shoes, and cuts and bruises all over his body and face, looked back, and answered accordingly ‘$30,000. Do I look like a beggar to you?’. His comrade then joined in and laughed out ‘We’ve come for millions!’. And so started a truly great story.

Was I really the only viewer in the entire cinema that was cheering on the pirates, Blog? Am I THAT detached??

During the film, one of my quick delusional day-dreams started, and my mind wandered…just a little, Blog…

Star have had another bookmaking firm who have mixed it for us, for several years now…

I couldn’t help imagining scaling the side of their metaphorical boat, with a knife and gun across me, and also Pam Statements, Gaul Wood, and Lukey, following up the ladder behind me, and then carrying out a similar raid on them.

Would I really do that, Blog? Would I? Or does it sound a bit far-fetched and silly??

Stick them in a boat. Give me some guns and knives. And off we go.

Kick on you naughty little pirates!!

Shiver me timbers, B x