AUTHOR: James Dowen

If you got it comin’

Blog, at last I can reveal to you, a secret surprise that was kept under
wraps for so long…

You will remember that in September, the Statements family came to London,
to check that their daughter, Pam, was safe and happy in England. After
meeting me, whether they thought she was safe or not, I am unaware.
However, that evening, when Pam went to powder her nose at one point, it was
organised that her mum and dad would come over and attend our works
Christmas party in December.

Lucky Lukey, her loyal and longterm beau, stepped into the breech and
organised flights and taxis, and all of the other things that are way
beyond, not only my patience, but also my capacity and intellect. And thus;
on December 15th, a day before the party, John and Marie Herou arrived at my
abode (fully prepared for them with Christmas decorations sourced from John

I truly loved them from the word go, and would now like to formally invite
John and Marie to adopt and save me from the Elderly and Infirm, whenever
they wish. Marie is simply a slightly older version of Pam and looks like a
little dolly. John Herou hugs everyone he meets, immediately, and covers
you in his American warmth and positivity. He was totally overwhelmed by
the whole stay and kept on coming over a bit emotional..I didn’t know what
to say but his energy was most endearing.

Within five minutes of their arrival, Pam’s parents were sitting in my
kitchen drinking a well-earned coffee. I was telling them all about the
Jubilee year, how Pam is better than all of the moany staff, the Elderly and
Infirm’s latest self-imposed ailments and illnesses, and all of the fun
planned for the next few days.

John Herou is a proud republican! Yeeehh-haahhhhhh!! Out of the blue, he
suddenly produced a present to thank me for his invitation…a SIGNED copy
of non other than George ‘Dubbyah’ Bush’s autobiography! Top class, and
more importantly, a superb prop, along with my 80’s Gordon Gekko phone, for
aggravating and instantly offending middle-class lefties whilst making an
innocent face!! From this moment on, myself and John Herou (pronounced
‘Hero’ – love it) were absolute best friends of ALL TIME and spent most of
the time doing impromptu high-fives and ‘USA!!!’ shouts. I also love the
way Americans say ‘Iraq’ so as regulalry as possible pushed John towards
saying ‘eye-rack’.

John Herou is a man who has spent his seventy years developing some very
clear and concise opinions on the way, not only the U.S. of A should be run,
but also the World. Blog, I am going to tell you all about my friend, John
Herou: (we’re now transatlantic not-staff allies, a bit like our finest
leader and Ronald Reagan).

John Herou makes and sells customised golf buggies that look like little
old-fashioned Rolls Royces (yes, actually). They are unbelievably cool and
if Tiger Woods actually agreed to go in one whilst playing the final round
of the Masters, I would buy one for him, just to witness such a great moment
in time.

John Herou has a SUPERB American tummy. He told me that he doesn’t over-eat
‘too much’. In the name of diplomacy, I shall overlook this small untruth.

He owns twenty-three guns and thinks it’s genuinely normal to do so. As a
subliminal message; on first meeting Lukey, he laid them all out on a table
and looked at them proudly without saying anything. I think that must have
been an extremely real and memorable life-moment for Luke! I asked John,
with a deadpan face, if he owned any grenades or cannons, to also protect
his property. He responded in an equally deadpan voice ‘No.’. I told him I
thought that was a bit weak.

John views George W Bush to be a kind-hearted and well-meant man who always
did his best for America and the World. Well said, John!

John’s opinions on:

The war; he responded in the most American voice ever ‘if you got it

Shooting burglars or trespassers on your property; ‘if you got it comin’..’

The death penalty; ‘if you got it comin’..’

Guantanamo Bay; ‘if you got it comin’..’

Waterboarding; yep, you guessed it – ‘if you got it comin’..’

So, we spent the day having a tour of London, going for dinner, and
exchanging stories about how great Pam is. The following lunchtime we then
all made our way down to Brighton for the Star Christmas Party.

Pam is in charge of not only EVERYTHING to do with EVERYTHING at Star but
also buying and preparing all of the prizes for our Christmas awards. She
was kidded into thinking that I wanted to do my speech before dinner in
order that I could enjoy my dinner (as if I, Benjamin Keith, would ever feel
nervous about standing up infront of a group of people and ranting a load of

The first prize was for member of staff of the year, for Star Sports. Pam
thought Mick, Head of Trading and runner up of Turkish Master-Chef 2012, was
going to win it, but obviously it was changed to being her halfway through
my speech. At this point, I told everyone I had lost Pam’s prize and then
walked around the room looking for it…only to reveal her mum and dad who
were hiding around the corner..!! At this point, everyone rose to their
feet and clapped their entrance, all the way from Minnessotta, and Pam stood
still, in shock, for a moment.

It was a real pleasure to host the Herou family, and I would like to not
only thank John for his signed George W Bush autobiography, but also for
being such GREAT guests. I have been invited to their daughter’s wedding in
July and will certainly go if Pam can pump me full of all of the correct and
necessary sedatives, pre the long-haul flight.

One last note… Later on in the evening, we were all chatting, and several
of us asked Pam how she didn’t burst into tears…she responded ‘I wanted
to, but I felt I had to remain professional as it was a works do’.

Pure Class.

Pam Statements…YOU…are the Star Sports member of Staff of the year 2012!

Go USA!!

Ben x

Ps: To Come: will update you all, in due course, re; other Christmas
despatches, incidents at the office party when the staff were drunk, and The
Elderly and Infirm’s festive antics. xx