AUTHOR: James Dowen

Pam Statements in military coup of Star Sports – SHOCKER!

I am rather worried that Pam Statements, my PA and life-assistant, is
secretly planning a military coup on Star Sports.

This week we have had some fabulous guests in our box and amongst them were
Laurie and Ben, Pam’s friends from the U.S. of A. I obviously forgot their
names about four times, like I always do when I don’t immediately write
peoples names down, but promptly told them that I may be English by birth
but my soul is 1/3 German and 2/3 American (I love the Yanks just that bit
more than my German Brethren (I am not allowed to say Krauts)). They asked
why, and I said it’s because they are totally unashamed about success, are
TRULY positive, love crushing drong, and when they work at McDonalds
flipping burgers, believe that one day they will OWN McDonalds.

We went on to discuss how great Pam Statements is and if there was a PA
Olympics, would she represent Great Britain or America? I said that I would
be able to get a special dispensation for Pam to compete for us and she then
shockingly said that she might not make the USA team.

Hang on, what’s going on here then? Why would Pam Statements not make the
American PA Olympics team? This is a serious issue.

Is Pam holding something back from me? Is she secretly a bit staff in
comparison to her country-folk?

This also raises another frightening question – if all Americans believe
that they will work their way to the top, is she planning a military coup of
Star Sports, like one of her great leaders G ‘Dubbya’ Bush might have done?

I shall keep my eye on her from now on, and if I spot ANYTHING dodgey, will
inform you IMMEDIATELY, blog.

In other news:

The toilets and standard of fast-food at Royal Ascot really is deplorable.
It is worth the cost of a Royal Enclosure badge alone so you can perform
your necessaries in the upstairs toilets rather than the First World War
latrines downstairs. And it also gives you a chance to blag your way into a
box for some half-decent grub, instead of having to suffer the soggy and
lukewarm chicken burgers that slide of their paper plates downstairs. RA,
pull your finger out. The whole place, from start to finish, is a rip-off
and finishes a mile behind Cheltenham. Worry a bit less about how you think
people should be dressing when they are spending their hard earned with you
and worry a bit more about the deplorable service you offer.

The IMF and potless ‘Eurozone’ leaders have all got their hands out and are
trying to give Angela Merkel, the German Chancellor, a guilt trip. Stay
strong, Angela. If they all want to have twenty bank-holidays a year, only
go to work for a few hours a day, and then make unlucky faces about having
no money – that’s their problem, not yours.

The French are so proud of their new ultra-leftie leader. Can’t wait for
them to go skint too! I hate them more than corporate types!!

Poor Lofty, he’s got so tired of taking £2 bets on the pitch in the betting
ring. You’ve done so well, Loft, and you’ve looked absolutely immaculate in
your topper and tails. It’s the last day now – keep going, mate. I shall
look down from the box, save a scone for you, and give you a couple of Royal
waves! :))

B xx